Abuse - A Woman's Opium
Why do women that are in abusive relationships come back for more?
I have a friend camping out at my house right now for a couple of days because of marital problems with an abusive husband. She brings with her an 8 year old daughter who is not the daughter of this man. As I put dishes away and clean the kitchen, she tells me of her encounters with her husband. How he seemed to be the man of her dreams four years ago when they first met. And how in the past 2 years his abusive behavior has been slowly escalating. Based on my observations of their relationship, if you ask me....He treats her like dirt. (I once had a very simmilar encounter with an ex boyfriend and boy am I glad I got away after 9 months!) He talks to her like she's some kind of maid he can order around. He treats her like an animal. He physically hurts her than aggressively demands she have s*x with him. Isn't that a pattern of someone that is mentally disturbed? She is a very nice, giving, person. Is it her fault she is being abused? How can I help her? I can't. She's the only one that can get herself out of this mess. She needs to help herself.
I have mentioned before that I grew up in an abusive environment. My mom, through her stories, was victim of her own mother's physical and mental torture. I remember when I was around five and we were all at the dinner table with my grandma, she threw a knife at my mother because she answered back. I even had some bouts with my grandma myself. She is a very stern, crossed woman when angry. She blacks out and doesnt even remember what she does when she is enraged. I can just imagine what was done to my mother growing up.
In my mom's mind, she probably did not recognize this as abuse therefore normal and so it continued into her adult years and the relationship she chose to stay with for 27 years now. I was a victim and my children were victims of this environment that has now trickled down to the next generation. My half brothers from the abusive man, inherited the abusive nature of their father. Probably from observing such behavior growing up. They then abused my own two children both physically and verbally. It got so bad that we had to seek couns eling for around 2-3 months. My children were so affected by their experiences that they threw tantrums almost everyday. For a period of 6 months earlier this year, around 30 mins to an hour each episode. There was a rage in them that I never saw before. As if their screaming and scratching themselves were not enough to express the pain and torment that was trapped inside their little bodies.
The hard part is the evidence I had against my two brothers was enough to lock them up for a long time and I couldn't do it. I knew that there lives would be forever destroyed if I do that. I knew that they too were victims of the whole situation. All the emotions that ran through me are unexplainable. Mixed feelings. Confused thoughts. Guilt. Anger. Helplessness. What was the right thing for me to do? Not an easy question to answer.
I praise God for delivering my precious ones from permanent emotional damage. My kids are happy, healthy kids now. Although they are not ready to face their uncles as of yet. I just keep them away from the aggressors. Only time will tell if they are permanently healed.
The sad part is that it has been a year since the lid blew open and still I hear stories from the family grapevine of how they are twisting things saying they did not hurt my kids and did nothing wrong. That I over reacted over the situation. That I am too high and mighty. That they were only disciplining my children. After all the forgiveness I extended to them. Still I hear so many hurtful things said. The truth has been construed. It has been smeared to wash away their wrongdoings.
My mom is blinded by this co dependency she has on the man. Remember, she is Ms. Denial. She will do and say anything to protect her man even it meant betraying her only daughter that has done nothing but sacrifice for her so that she can have a better life he never could provide for her. Isn't that the worst act of betrayal between a mother and a daughter? Tell me if that hurts. That is what I live with. Day in and day out. I cant change her. I can only change me. She can't live without him. He is her opium. And so I stay away.
So now, what advice can I give my friend that has sought refuge in my home? I see the same patterns as my own childhood experiences? I see an innocent child caught in the crossfire. I sympathize with the kid. I hope she's strong enough to make it through the battle. As for her mother, I gave her her options. Helped her clear her mind on what she can do. I gave her all the consequences involved in whatever decision she chooses and not one would be an easy decision. I told her that counseling is probably the best and only resort she can pursue to try and save the marriage. So let's see what she does.
But how can you change a brick wall? A brick wall that has been a brick wall for the past 30 years and is happy being a brick wall? (Im refering to her husband here) Will she be strong enough to get away from this addiction? This cycle of abuse. I can only advice her, support her as a friend that she can count on to listen to her, and pray for her that she may find strength and wisdom to do the right thing for her and her daughter. And hope that she can still be saved from falling into an addiction with this opium.
I have a friend camping out at my house right now for a couple of days because of marital problems with an abusive husband. She brings with her an 8 year old daughter who is not the daughter of this man. As I put dishes away and clean the kitchen, she tells me of her encounters with her husband. How he seemed to be the man of her dreams four years ago when they first met. And how in the past 2 years his abusive behavior has been slowly escalating. Based on my observations of their relationship, if you ask me....He treats her like dirt. (I once had a very simmilar encounter with an ex boyfriend and boy am I glad I got away after 9 months!) He talks to her like she's some kind of maid he can order around. He treats her like an animal. He physically hurts her than aggressively demands she have s*x with him. Isn't that a pattern of someone that is mentally disturbed? She is a very nice, giving, person. Is it her fault she is being abused? How can I help her? I can't. She's the only one that can get herself out of this mess. She needs to help herself.
I have mentioned before that I grew up in an abusive environment. My mom, through her stories, was victim of her own mother's physical and mental torture. I remember when I was around five and we were all at the dinner table with my grandma, she threw a knife at my mother because she answered back. I even had some bouts with my grandma myself. She is a very stern, crossed woman when angry. She blacks out and doesnt even remember what she does when she is enraged. I can just imagine what was done to my mother growing up.
In my mom's mind, she probably did not recognize this as abuse therefore normal and so it continued into her adult years and the relationship she chose to stay with for 27 years now. I was a victim and my children were victims of this environment that has now trickled down to the next generation. My half brothers from the abusive man, inherited the abusive nature of their father. Probably from observing such behavior growing up. They then abused my own two children both physically and verbally. It got so bad that we had to seek couns eling for around 2-3 months. My children were so affected by their experiences that they threw tantrums almost everyday. For a period of 6 months earlier this year, around 30 mins to an hour each episode. There was a rage in them that I never saw before. As if their screaming and scratching themselves were not enough to express the pain and torment that was trapped inside their little bodies.
The hard part is the evidence I had against my two brothers was enough to lock them up for a long time and I couldn't do it. I knew that there lives would be forever destroyed if I do that. I knew that they too were victims of the whole situation. All the emotions that ran through me are unexplainable. Mixed feelings. Confused thoughts. Guilt. Anger. Helplessness. What was the right thing for me to do? Not an easy question to answer.
I praise God for delivering my precious ones from permanent emotional damage. My kids are happy, healthy kids now. Although they are not ready to face their uncles as of yet. I just keep them away from the aggressors. Only time will tell if they are permanently healed.
The sad part is that it has been a year since the lid blew open and still I hear stories from the family grapevine of how they are twisting things saying they did not hurt my kids and did nothing wrong. That I over reacted over the situation. That I am too high and mighty. That they were only disciplining my children. After all the forgiveness I extended to them. Still I hear so many hurtful things said. The truth has been construed. It has been smeared to wash away their wrongdoings.
My mom is blinded by this co dependency she has on the man. Remember, she is Ms. Denial. She will do and say anything to protect her man even it meant betraying her only daughter that has done nothing but sacrifice for her so that she can have a better life he never could provide for her. Isn't that the worst act of betrayal between a mother and a daughter? Tell me if that hurts. That is what I live with. Day in and day out. I cant change her. I can only change me. She can't live without him. He is her opium. And so I stay away.
So now, what advice can I give my friend that has sought refuge in my home? I see the same patterns as my own childhood experiences? I see an innocent child caught in the crossfire. I sympathize with the kid. I hope she's strong enough to make it through the battle. As for her mother, I gave her her options. Helped her clear her mind on what she can do. I gave her all the consequences involved in whatever decision she chooses and not one would be an easy decision. I told her that counseling is probably the best and only resort she can pursue to try and save the marriage. So let's see what she does.
But how can you change a brick wall? A brick wall that has been a brick wall for the past 30 years and is happy being a brick wall? (Im refering to her husband here) Will she be strong enough to get away from this addiction? This cycle of abuse. I can only advice her, support her as a friend that she can count on to listen to her, and pray for her that she may find strength and wisdom to do the right thing for her and her daughter. And hope that she can still be saved from falling into an addiction with this opium.
posted by Lei Bautista | 12:45 AM
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