I grew up wanting to be loved (of course in my earlier years I was oblivious to this fact). Who doesn't? It becomes all the more apparent given it my parents were too young when they had me and didnt know what they wanted themselves to begin with. I am, what they say, an accident...a consequence of youthful curiosity and rebelliousness. Unfortunately, the merchandise couldn't be returned.They only stayed together 5 years. My dad went soul searching and upto this day, I doubt he ever found what he was looking for. My mom, latched on to a new relationship that turned out to be an abusive one. I got caught in all the drama. I'm lucky to have made it without having a serious drug problem or serious mental trauma. Its sad thought that if you ask my mother about all this, she would say I had a great , normal life. We'll call her Ms. Denial. In denial to the abuse where she takes refuge since her own mother physically abused her. In denial that she did not have the self esteem needed in order to get out of the situation and make a better life for herself.
For some reason though, I had a different sense of self. I knew I deserved more than all the scraps and residue I was receiving as consequence of their irresponsible actions. I knew what decisions they were making were not the best for me (although I didnt seem to be important in the equation anyways). I demanded for it at the manner appropriate for the age that I was at that time I would demand such attention. I rebelled against all of them. ALthough, I was excelling in school, deep inside I was rotting. I was a walking time bomb ready to give. Was I heard, no. Was I hurt, a lot. Was I lost, ABOLUTELY. Thats why at age 16, I ran away from home. Never to return. Never to feel safe again, until now...
Because I grew up with weak value formation. I grew up not knowing what it is I should look for when getting into a relationship. It has a lot to do with the circle of influence that my parents provided for me and also the realm of experiences that I observed. Really, I grew up not having any respect for men. I hated them. I despised them. I didnt trust them, one bit. Yes, I got into relationships. The very early ones were just my victims. They were nice, sweet boys. Of course, so was I. Or so they thought. It gave me a certain fullfilment when I eventually broke their hearts and left them shredded to pieces. Like they deserved it. It was sort of my revenge for all the men in my life that had let me down. They start questioning themselves, what did they do wrong? Nothing really. Firstly, I was too young to know what was going on inside me. I was just not ready to trust...to really commit myself. I was out with my vengeance, my vendetta. They were just pawns for me to move around the chessboard. I was ready to sacrfice them to protect the queen---me. I never let my guard down.
My next relationship was the one I was to marry at 20. Really, our relationship was so rocky. It was very intense. I had a lot of rollercoaster rides andhave stories to keep grandkids awake till the next morn. So many times we cheated death with our dangerous adventures and on-the-edge lifestyle. We only married for one reason and that reason is one that should not be a reason to marry in the first place. I got pregnant. Then one day, I just woke up, looked at my life and said, "What on earth have I done!!" Why did we marry? Now that I think of it, to save face. To cover up a mistake, unfortunately with another mistake. This exhubby is a sweet guy, don't get me wrong. Just not the match for me emotionally and intellectually and you know how important that is to a woman. Its just that he has no ambitions in life that can carry me and my two kids to a comfortable quality life. Again, a life that I thought I deserved. Again, my childhood needs not being met. This is what happens in Filipino Maternal Society. Men born with a silver spoon in their mouths are pampered by their mothers so much that they are unable to stand on their own. They cannot cut the umbilical cord. Another problem is that very few can stand by themselves in Philippine settings because of the economic decay. No one can make it by themselves. No opportunity for one's hard work. Therefore, it is inevitable that one must rely on parents and what they inherited from their parents to have at least a decent living. I woke up from that nightmare, only to jump into another one that started out as a fairytale dream come true.
As a blind mice jumping into one frying pan to the next. My next relationship after marriage was the hardest hitting of all. This time, I thought I found TRUE LOVE. It was absolutely the first time I had totally given all my heart and soul. He swept me off my feet. Wined and dined me. Don Juan di Marco style, in the flesh. It could have been TRUE LOVE I gave but I guess, it depends on how you define love because obviously it wasnt enough to keep the relationship going. What went wrong? Again, it goes back to the earlier problem of how Filipino family's control the lives of their children. My exhubby's family was nowhere near the controlling nature of this one. The former really left us alone to stumble along with our decisions. This next one's family (we'll call them family X) controlled everything to what car he should have and what kind of girl he should end up with. Im not surprised if they help pick out the engagement ring and color of carpeting! At the time I was in the relationship, this boy promised me the moon and the stars. He would protect me, take care of me. And he did during the duration of our relationship. And so I fell. HARD.
He overlooked one thing. It had to be on his parents terms! HAHAHA or else, he gets cut of his inheritance and boy was that a lot to think about! I mean c'mon, what would you choose...a whole future mapped out for you, or the love of your life on the condition that your family disowns you? He picked his family. So much for the moon and the stars. So much for taking care of me, buddy. That caught me off guard. We were making plans for both of us, taking into account that it might not be with his family's money but I guess he chickened out. He bailed on me. Some hero he was. Again, couldn't stand on his own. Couldn't move without family approval. Filipino men, rich families, pampering mothers,no backbones, they're all the same...PATHETIC! Its been four years, he's never talked to me since. He's managed to stay friends with ALL his exes except me as if I had some sort of incurable disease.It seems he's avoiding me. Why? Do I force him to see himself in the mirror without pretenses? Would I remind him of his weakness? I wonder...
I plumetted in a downward spiral. I fell into an almost 3 year depression because of that man (or half of a man). I could not eat nor get up from bed. Did he care after we broke up? Of course not. He comes home to mama and continues on with life like nothing ever happened between us. They suck the living blood out of you and leave you for dead, moving on to the next victim. Of course, he would never admit that this is what happened. No way. It would make him look bad and a tarnished reputation is never good in the eyes of daddy.
But I got up eventually. And closed the doors of my heart. I went back to my original belief about men. They are not to be trusted. Never give ALL your heart! Keep some for your sanity's sake.
All the men I've seen around me growing up have been pathetic role models! My dad...bad job at being a dad and so I reduced him to a relative I see on holidays (of course I don't even see him now because I live in the US). My step dad, possibly the WORST example of a man. Born of wealth, favorite of his heirarchial mother who saves his ass evertime he digs himself a deep whole, pompous, arrogant, was a womanizer, drunk, gambler, uses intimidation tactics to get his way and the best of all, used to beat up my mom while I was growing up, in our house. Feel safe now? My lolo, houses different wives and girlfriends...my titos took a following and did the same. I must add my dad has had three wives and has a total of five kids from them (that have been accounted for. Who knows how many more!) Then there's my ex hubby and my exbf who are next generation men. They are probably not womanizers as their predecesors have been but still, no respect for them for not being able to stand on their own. And no respect for Mr. X (the father) either because he called me a pile of garbage for being a single mom and unworthy of his "prized possession", his precious son. Judging a person for mistakes they've done in the past and without getting to know them is pretty damn high and mighty, dont you agree?
Why can I speak strongly against these men not being able to stand on their own? Well, because I too am part of a family that are well off financially. I too can sit on my behind and wait for the 15th and 30th to wait for a check in my name without batting an eyelash. I too can wait at the table to catch bones thrown to me by my lolo. I would have to play the politics and the asswipeing that comes with it. But hey, its a nice security blanket.
I have chosen my own path. I like the freedom of being able to do whatever I want to do with my time and hard earned money. Instead of being controlled by family because they are putting food in my mouth. Nobody can control my destiny but me. Thats the path I chose. Thats something that I am DAMN proud of. While everyone chose the path of least resistance, I chose the road less travelled. The unknown, exciting life on my own versus the predictable, safe path chosen by parents.
So, have I had a change of heart? Are there respectable men out there? Men that are really GOOD providers? Men that take up their cross and carry it by themselves. Men that are acting and functioning like REAL MEN! I am happy to say----YES!!! I have encountered a few! In fact, I found one for myself and married him!
The first one I have high respect for is my pastor, Pastor Chito Cordero. He has most the qualities that a real man should have. Servitude towards others, Wisdom beyond years, loves basketball, amazing father, wonderful husband, just a lot to say. I could go on and on and on. Then there are a lot of men like this at our church. And there are a lot of men like this that you can find here in the US. And of course, I have one for myself now. My husband supports me, 150%. I am not working. He doesn't want me to work EVER. He is providing for my every financial need. Our goals are lined up and we have places to go. He is God fearing, and ever willing to change and grow to be a stronger, wiser man of God. It makes a huge difference if the man is God fearing. It makes him want to be a great man in the eyes of God. Besides, that's how God designed the man. He put the MAN in charge, not the woman. The woman is supposed to be the supporting character, not the lead role. And so, for a woman to do her role, the man has to do his. For a woman to submit, a man needs to take command of the ship and lead the family towards the right direction. My hubby now is not relying on his family, he's not relying on any outside help. He's doing it all on his own and that for me commands a lot of respect. Thank God he did not grow up in Philippine Society. Thank God he was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He is the complete opposite of all the Filipino men I have dated in the past. Its true, you need to go through a couple of bad relationships to find the one that was meant for you. Or else, you won't appreciate it because you wouldn't have anything to compare it too.
So what's my epiphany? I figured out what works for me. I cannot be with a man that leans on his family for support. That is like marrying his family instead with him as the family puppet. I have respect only for men that have made it on their own, that are striving to be succesful by their own sweat and blood. They may fall, but they are still more admirable than the one that does not want to risk all since there is no need to because everything has been served to them on a silver platter. Number two, there are a lot of men that are respectable. Most of them, I'm afraid are the ones that have true relationships with Jesus. Because they are nothing without Him. When they are close to God, they want to be more like Him. They take up their leadership roles and allow the woman to take their roles as support. I guess thats all I have to say on this subject. I had to get it out of my chest. It makes everything clearer to me as to why I did not end up with my past relationships and why I am with my husband now. Goodnight!
